A state of grace

Sometimes I wonder where God is.  Like, when I'm going through something tough? Where is he? When someone I love is having the hardest time of his life? Where is he? It really stinks, to not know when God will do something to lift me or someone else up.  It really stinks to wait and wait on God.  Sometimes, it kills me.

But I do know that God will get here.  Scripture says to, "Be brave. Be Strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon. -Psalm 31.24"  I know he is up there, watching me feel pain and confusion.  I know he knows all of my thoughts and dreams.  He knows everything about me.  And he will get here soon.

I recently realized how I take everything for granted.  Everything..my education, family, friends, and the people I love.  I think that God has put me in this situation in order to see that and to grow closer to him.  He wants me to see that he is all I need, and that everything else is simply a blessing.  

I need to stop taking advantage of school.  I mean, I go to one of the best schools around and here I am, complaining.  Complaining about how it is too secular.  Complaining about how the food is so terrible.  Complaining about the girls on my floor who come in late, drunk as can be.  I complain about not feeling God at school.  I am so selfish.  God is always there.  He is ever present.  It was me who shut him out.  It was me who had a negative attitude about Augustana in the first place.  It was all me.  God was always there.

Then there is my family.  My mom and dad will do anything for me-yet I treat them like dirt sometimes.  They pay for my education, the gas in my car and the food on my table-and I still want more.  It is like I am a spoiled little 13 year old girl.  My mom will stay up with me all night, crying with me.  My dad will talk to me at the worst hours of the day just so I don't feel alone.  I have taken them for granted, and I'm so sorry.

And I don't think I realize what great of friends I have in my life.  Even though I've only known them for four months or so, they will text me in the middle of the night, trying their hardest to just listen to me.  My friend that I haven't talked to in months called me at 3am..because she wanted to make sure I was okay.  I can't believe how selfish I have been to all of them.  Sometimes, I complain that they could be better friends.  I say that it is their fault for not talking to me and that they have changed.  Actually, it is me who can be a better friend.  It is me who should listen to them more, caring more genuinely for them.  It is all me.  I want to change that. 

I have realized that you  never really know exactly what you have until it is gone.  I know he is not gone, he is still here. But I miss him, so much.  I would do anything for him..I love him. He is lovely.  I want it to be all better now..but that is so selfish.  If I love him, then I want him to do whatever it is that makes him happy.  He needs space and time.  He needs alone time.  Even though it is so hard for me, I have to respect him.  All I can do is listen and be there.  If God wills it, then we will get back together and spend our lives together.  I need to accept that. It comes down to pure trust.

All of these things..all of these people in my life..they are all a blessing.  They are a blessing that I didn't realize I had until now.  I realize that God has placed these people in my life.  He has a plan for me.  He has plans for them.  God is here now.  He is always here, it is just up to me to let him through the door.  He will help me.  He will help him and her and all of them.  He will be the light in our darkest of days. 

Knowing that God is here always puts me in a state of grace.  Knowing that he has given me all these blessings and a purpose for my life puts me in the purest state of grace.  Ever.