Christmas

It is amazing how God works things out.  His timing is always so strange and confusing to me, but it amazes me how he always seems to answer prayer.  He has blessed me with such a great life and even the opportunity to live it is such a blessing.  I am realizing that I don't need to get upset over little things, looking at the big picture is what matters.  I am alive and I know God.  I have people that love me.

It's so nice to get things during Christmas. I mean, I think everyone looks forward to getting some money or at least just one thing they really wanted this year.  But...that isn't what matters at all.  Being able to sit with my family in front of our fireplace downstairs watching A Christmas Story and eating breakfast together is a gift within itself.  Being able to spend time with my best friend and his family for a little while is just a blessing.  Going to see two movies is really fun too...not only that they were really great movies, but just that I got to go see them with all these people who mean a lot to me.  There is just something so special about all this.

I guess what I'm realizing is that they really are my gifts.  All the people I love.  I know this sounds really cliche, but it really is true.  Without them, Christmas and the season would be just another time of year.

I know that Jesus is the reason for the season, but I think that being blessed to be with those I love is Jesus' gift to me.  I think he wants me to be with these people and remember to be grateful for them all the time, not just during the holiday season.

Not everyone gets to be with loved ones on Christmas...but thanks to God, I was able to.

It's amazing how God works things out.  Thank you, God.

Never take advantage of anyone.  Love deeply and genuinely.  ♥ Merry Christmas.

Relief

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for the good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. 
-Philippians 4.6-7


Today, I wanted to update my Facebook status.  I was looking for a song lyric that would perfectly describe my situation...I was looking at a few Secondhand Serenade songs, but then I looked over and saw my Bible.  It was open on my desk next to my laptop and I glanced to see which chapter it was open to.  

It was open to Philippians, chapter four.  I saw that I had underlined a certain verse, and I read it.  It was the verse that I have posted above.  That moment, I knew that had to be my updated status.  Haha.  It...describes my situation to a tee.  

This verse is probably my favorite verse.  I have so many verses that I like, but I seriously think that, tonight, this one became my new favorite.  I also love Psalm 31.24 (Be brave.  Be strong. Don't give up.  Expect God to get here soon), but...this verse..I just think I needed this one.  I seriously think that it was a God moment.  

This verse gives me such relief.  I have been reading it over and over and I feel more relieved than I have in days.  My life has been so weird and empty feeling lately, but this just made me feel whole again.  

I have been praying a lot.  More than I have in a long time.  I think that all these things that have happened to me...I think that God made them happen for a reason.  I have tried to come up with the best possible reason why God would ever want to do this...and I know I'm not God, nor do I know what he is thinking.  Yet, I feel like he simply made everything fall apart in order for me to grow closer to him again.  I don't presume to know what is going to happen in the future, but I feel like once I grow closer to him, and as I keep growing closer to him, things will start to fall back together.

I just need patience, we need patience.  God will work everything together in its time.  I mean, I know he will.  This verse says so.  It says that God will work everything together for the good.  I don't know what the good is, but I sure have an idea of what I want it to be, what I think it should and could be.  Maybe that's God's plan, too.  But...all I can do is trust him.  He will work everything out.  For him, for me, for us.  And that, those words, they give me relief.  

I have been fretting and worrying.  I have been so confused, hurt, sad, worried, scared, anxious, little and just...worried.  Mostly worried.  For everything.  But God says to transform my worries and all of these other feelings into prayer.  That is what I've been trying to do and what I'm going to continue to do.  

The Bible says it's wonderful what happens when Christ is the center of your life. Gosh, I bet that is such a wonderful thing.  

All I know is that God is gonna work this out.  I just need patience.  He gives me hope.  

Lights will guide you home

Tonight, I'm feeling down.  I don't know why, I guess it's a lot of things.  I decided to just write about it.  I think everyone else is tired of hearing me vent and complain.  But I guess that is what my blog's here for.

You know, I think it'd be so cool if my blog became something big someday.  Like those people who have really popular blogs with beautiful templates with such great writing skill.  My dream is to start a beauty blog.  With cute hairstyles and makeup looks.  Lately, I haven't really cared about either of those things.  I have realized that they don't matter.  I care so much about how I look.  But I know that the people who love me will love me no matter what I look like.  I don't have to be a supermodel or have flawless skin.  None of that matters and I feel so stupid for caring so much about it.  Why couldn't I have cared less about that earlier and put more effort into my friendships and relationship?

I guess it isn't only me.  It seems like that is what the world is coming to.  Looks and beauty and success.  Those are all so superficial.  Things that really matter in life are people.  I think people put too much effort and time into things and not showing love to others.  It makes me sad.

I just heard thundering, I think.  Isn't it December...?  Haha.  That's weird.  I like rain though.  I love it.  It's so peaceful.  People think it's crazy that rainy weather is my favorite weather.

I wish everything would be how it used to be.  I miss high school.  I know people say college years are supposed to be the best, but I don't see it.  That's probably just me right now.  I don't even know what my point of this is.

My friend keeps saying I need to take things one day at a time.  Yeah, I know, but it is hard.  I want to hold him in my arms and tell him that he will be okay.  That everything will be okay.  That we will be okay.  My biggest fear is that I won't be able to.  But, I mean, maybe I will be able to someday.

I love Secondhand Serenade's cover of Fix Me by Coldplay.  It is such a beautiful song.  It makes me cry.  I guess I don't really know what the song is about, but for me, it's about hope.  Light will guide you home and ignite your bones.  I will try to fix you.  Tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace.

I just want you to know that there is hope.  Maybe I can't necessarily fix you, but I can be here for you.  I can listen to you.  I know you don't want a shoulder to cry on, but if you ever want to cry, I can be your shoulder.  If you want me to.

I guess this is just something God has put me and everyone through for a reason.  I know I could have it so much worse.  Right now, I have to remember my blessings. Just gotta wait. And have faith.  I just have to love.

I don't have any answers.  I just know there is hope. That is all I need.

I won't give up

"When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got Yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end you're still my friend, at least we did intend for us to work
We didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am.

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up... 

I won't give up on us
(No I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough, He knows
(I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn
(We are alive, We are loved)
God knows we're worth it
(And were worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up..."
~ I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz



I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past half hour.  It's probably played about..9 times.  Okay, maybe not 9..but a lot.

It's a beautiful song about not giving up..on friendships, relationships (romantic or not), and life in general.  Mostly, about love.  I know that in many points in my life, I have wanted to call it quits.  I have wanted to just..leave, get out, and forget about everything.  Sometimes, life just gets so complicated.  It gets so difficult and lonely.  Sometimes, I feel like I have no one, when I actually have a lot of people.  Sometimes, those people just aren't here with me, and that's okay..because God is.

"Even the stars, they burn, some even fall to the earth"...even beautiful things fall to pieces and have low points.  I believe that sometimes the most beautiful and most wonderful things in life have to fall apart in order to become stronger in the end.  That is what makes love and life itself so interesting and complex.  For it to progress, it must overcome the deepest obstacles.  If it is simply all happy-go-lucky all the time, there is no room to make it better.

Often, when something breaks or fall apart, it takes time to fix it.  Last year, I broke my ceramic flowers I had made in art class.  I dropped them on accident and some of them shattered into three or four pieces.  I fixed them, but it took time to make them beautiful again.  I had to wait for the glue to hold the parts together and the paint to dry.  Although, once everything was fixed, it was worth the patience.  They looked beautiful again. 

I feel that this is how life is sometimes.  When good things go bad, they don't recover overnight. When relationships walk through rough and rocky roads, it isn't always that easy to fix them.  Most of the time, it's extremely hard.  It takes a lifetime to build up a solid, amazing relationship but it only takes a few seconds to crush it.  It takes so much time build a car, but once it gets into an accident, it is ruined.  But, the car can be fixed..and so can relationships.  Every relationship is different..whether it be with a mother, father, sister, brother, friend, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.  Some relationships crash harder than others..but I think that with time and love, they can be mended.  

That probably sounds really cliche.  But I think it's true. 

"And when you need your space, to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you found."  Sometimes, people need to figure out who they are, where they are going, and who they want to go there with.  People think about their future.  Everyone is in that position at some point in their life...it's natural and inevitable.  It comes with graduating, getting a new job, meeting someone special, going off to college, and just simply growing up.  It's such a fascinating thing to me-that we think so much about who we are.  I mean, who am I?  It's such a crazy question and takes so much time to really figure it out.  But I'm going to be patient.  I'm not giving up.  I'll wait for him, as long as he needs, and when he is done navigating, he will tell me.  Rushing it is the worst thing I can do.

"I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up, I won't give up on us, God knows I'm tough, he knows, we got a lot to learn, God knows we're worth it."  In the meantime, I will love and look on the bright side.  I am breathing. I am alive. I know of at least five people who love me.  I have God.  This is so worth it..it can be so beautiful.  It will take time, but that is okay.  Everything that is good is worth waiting for. 

God knows that I am tough, he knows that we all are.  When we are exploring who we are, he gives us strength.  God knows we are worth it--and he isn't giving up on us.  He makes everything beautiful in its time.  Some things take more time than others, as do some relationships.  It is just really bittersweet.  

I guess what keeps me going is hope.  Hope that someday, this relationship will be more beautiful and stronger than before.  I'm not giving up on us, on life, on anyone..and neither is God.

A state of grace

Sometimes I wonder where God is.  Like, when I'm going through something tough? Where is he? When someone I love is having the hardest time of his life? Where is he? It really stinks, to not know when God will do something to lift me or someone else up.  It really stinks to wait and wait on God.  Sometimes, it kills me.

But I do know that God will get here.  Scripture says to, "Be brave. Be Strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon. -Psalm 31.24"  I know he is up there, watching me feel pain and confusion.  I know he knows all of my thoughts and dreams.  He knows everything about me.  And he will get here soon.

I recently realized how I take everything for granted.  Everything..my education, family, friends, and the people I love.  I think that God has put me in this situation in order to see that and to grow closer to him.  He wants me to see that he is all I need, and that everything else is simply a blessing.  

I need to stop taking advantage of school.  I mean, I go to one of the best schools around and here I am, complaining.  Complaining about how it is too secular.  Complaining about how the food is so terrible.  Complaining about the girls on my floor who come in late, drunk as can be.  I complain about not feeling God at school.  I am so selfish.  God is always there.  He is ever present.  It was me who shut him out.  It was me who had a negative attitude about Augustana in the first place.  It was all me.  God was always there.

Then there is my family.  My mom and dad will do anything for me-yet I treat them like dirt sometimes.  They pay for my education, the gas in my car and the food on my table-and I still want more.  It is like I am a spoiled little 13 year old girl.  My mom will stay up with me all night, crying with me.  My dad will talk to me at the worst hours of the day just so I don't feel alone.  I have taken them for granted, and I'm so sorry.

And I don't think I realize what great of friends I have in my life.  Even though I've only known them for four months or so, they will text me in the middle of the night, trying their hardest to just listen to me.  My friend that I haven't talked to in months called me at 3am..because she wanted to make sure I was okay.  I can't believe how selfish I have been to all of them.  Sometimes, I complain that they could be better friends.  I say that it is their fault for not talking to me and that they have changed.  Actually, it is me who can be a better friend.  It is me who should listen to them more, caring more genuinely for them.  It is all me.  I want to change that. 

I have realized that you  never really know exactly what you have until it is gone.  I know he is not gone, he is still here. But I miss him, so much.  I would do anything for him..I love him. He is lovely.  I want it to be all better now..but that is so selfish.  If I love him, then I want him to do whatever it is that makes him happy.  He needs space and time.  He needs alone time.  Even though it is so hard for me, I have to respect him.  All I can do is listen and be there.  If God wills it, then we will get back together and spend our lives together.  I need to accept that. It comes down to pure trust.

All of these things..all of these people in my life..they are all a blessing.  They are a blessing that I didn't realize I had until now.  I realize that God has placed these people in my life.  He has a plan for me.  He has plans for them.  God is here now.  He is always here, it is just up to me to let him through the door.  He will help me.  He will help him and her and all of them.  He will be the light in our darkest of days. 

Knowing that God is here always puts me in a state of grace.  Knowing that he has given me all these blessings and a purpose for my life puts me in the purest state of grace.  Ever.