Living in a doubtful world

So, it hit me today.  Humans are horribly doubtful.


This quote really does sum it all up:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

We doubt ourselves, we let others doubt us.  And we let it stop us.  We let it get into our heart's deepest layer and tear it apart.  We let it get down to the very fiber of our being.  I'm here to tell whoever is reading this that it is really not worth the time to let doubt bring anyone  down.

I've been wanting a new job.  So badly, except I don't do a thing about it.  I haven't applied anywhere at all yet.  And I want to quit my current job in two weeks.  Oh, how wonderful.

I want to get involved with photography.  My excuse?  Oh, a girl who is nearly eighteen clearly is not suit for that.  She does not have enough experience to deal with a job of such sorts.  She won't make it.

But, I probably could find a job including photography if I wasn't scared and actually did something about it. 

I want to get involved with singing.  My excuse?  Wow, an eighteen year old girl who has close to no experience with music?  Negative, she will never be able to show off her talent to this world. 

Yet again, I could find something to do with singing if I wanted.  Definitely.

Why do I keep on making up excuses?  Because I'm doubtful, scared and nervous.  

I could have a job I love.  I could.  It's just a matter of getting over the doubt I have and the fear that overwhelms me whenever I think about it.

While I don't really know where to go from here, I realize that I do know how to figure it out.

Roses and butterflies

I like cute things.  For example, I like roses and butterflies.

I like to think that everything is cute.  Or could be made cute.  Maybe that's why I try so hard to have a cute appearance, have cute clothing, have a cute life.  It goes on and on.

You've probably never read a blog like this before.

But I just realized something: I'm having expectations.  High ones, in fact.  It's never a good expectation to want everything to be cute when I live in a torn-apart, messed up world.

I have a boyfriend.  He is great and sometimes I think that our relationship could be a lot better if we went on more cute dates, if we had more cute conversations, if we just went on more cute vacations or roadtrips, if he only made a cute dinner for me.  If only he gave me roses twice every three weeks.  If only we gave each other the butterfly feeling in our stomachs every moment we're with each other.

Then reality smacks me in the face about eight times and I wake up.  Yet, sometimes I'm still left drowsy.

Then it smacks me about nine more times.  I wake up for real this time.

I'm expecting our relationship to be too cute, too good.  If I never lower those expectations, we'd probably break it off somewhere down the road and I'd end up alone in my own little, cute, fantasy world.  Because he can't live up to the cute-ness factor I want.  And I can't live up to it either, letting myself down from time to time as well.

I think that I've come to the realization that I can't really expect anything from life.

But there's always those people with those perfect, cute, lovely lives who make it seem as if it is easy to have one.  Those people who have adorable everything.  Honestly, they probably don't try to make their lives cute or sweet at all.  The probably just live and be themselves and it just seems like their life is cute to others.  And if they do try and if they do have very high expectations...well, go them.  I wonder what their secret is.

I need to just not expect everything to be cute.  I have to live in this real world.  I should just live.  I should just live because then, when I finally am without expectations, life will be cute.  Yes, indeed it will.  I just won't notice it.

It is 12:30 A.M.

Goodnight.