Love

I just wanted to start this post off with this...although it doesn't really relate whatsoever. I found it interesting because it is 

completely true...

Anyways...lately, I've just been wanting to write. There's something about letting all my feelings and emotions out on a virtual piece of paper that relieves me. I apologize in advance if this post doesn't make sense--it's more for me to release all my feelings than to entertain you.

"I need you, now and forever, to stay right here with me, don't ever leave, love was kept from me like a secret, and I swore that I was through, until you." 

I love this song. I was browsing through my "likes" on Pandora and rediscovered it. It is a song by Dave Barnes called Until You. It's so calming and relaxing. You should give it a listen if you're into that kinda stuff. Actually, just give it a listen even if you're not. It's such a beautiful song. Listen to it here. :)

That song makes me want to find someone to share my life with. It's been a rough, stupid, confusing, and weird past few months--but there's been some pretty great parts, too. Everything that once brought a sense of security to my life has completely fallen out of place and has shifted out of my control. I've realized recently how much of my life is out of my hands. I have no control over the majority of my life and it scares me. Nothing in my life is guaranteed. I don't know if I will get a teaching job after I graduate, I have no idea who I am going to get married to, who I will enter into my next relationship with and if it will be a meaningful one, if I am going to be able to work at the kids summer camp (which I really want to work at) this coming summer, where I am going to live in three years, where I am going  to live next year, or even what I'm doing tomorrow night. All of this scares me, the beginning parts especially. It is completely and utterly terrifying being unsure of where I'm going to live after I graduate. It's scary thinking of going into the inner-city to apply for teaching positions.

My biggest fear, however, is never finding anyone to share the rest of my life with. I've come to the conclusion lately that I am the kind of person who craves to love. Whether it be the children I tutor daily, my  friends, my family, my non-existent boyfriend, the cute animals in my life, or complete strangers on the street...I have a need to love people. I'm not sure if that makes me sound crazy--but I guess I don't really care anymore if it is or not. Loving people is definitely something that makes me feel alive and gives my life purpose. I think that, deep down, we were all made to love, but I think I just need to do it more than others to feel fulfillment.

I think about who I am going to marry and I think they are going to be pretty blessed. I will be, too, don't get me wrong. I don't want to sound like I have a big ego or like I think I am the most amazing person to walk this earth. I just know that when I find someone who I am proud to love and who is proud to love me back, I will give them all of me, completely and genuinely. I just want to make a fancy dinner for someone or take a walk with them through the 20-feet of snow we have accumulated over this past winter...and then, afterwards, go make hot chocolate (or hot tea in my case). I want to kiss someone in the summer rain and be the one they turn to for comfort when they are down. I want to have movie marathons with someone routinely on Friday nights, while cuddling and snuggling beneath the covers while snow falls outside. I want to bring someone their favorite flavor of ice cream when they are feeling pulled down by this thing we call life. I just want someone to be with, someone to love, even when we aren't physically next to each other. I know it sounds strange. I mean...I don't even understand it. 

And now you're probably thinking I'm weird and even more "needy." That isn't the case. I just really do think that I was made to love. At work, we define a strength as something that makes one come alive and feel meaningful, not just something one succeeds at. Based on our definition, I believe loving is a strength of mine.

I've told some people about my desire to love someone and most think that I just need to be "me" for awhile, whatever that means. I guess it's just about not having to worry about pleasing or being there for anyone else. While I think that it's important and necessary to worry about myself and my own issues, it's just a really difficult thing for me to do. I do want someone or something (maybe a puppy?) to just nurture and care for. I mean, am I not "me" everyday? I don't need to focus on myself constantly to be happy. I know enough about myself and I believe that I learn more about myself when I love other people. Some people talk about "finding themselves" and attempting to figure out their own lives. While I think that's great for them, I just think that I will "find myself" through living my life with others in it. I don't need to hold back or be alone for this to happen. If it so happens to be that I spend the next five years alone, with no significant other, so be it. I will learn more about myself whether or not I have someone to be that role in my life. I'm just simply saying that I don't need to worry about only myself. I have realized that I find joy and happiness in caring for others and I can discover more about who I am through doing so.

I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish with this post. I guess I just encourage you to spend time with those who care for you, those people who are persistent with their concern and love for you. Whether it be a certain friend in your life, a family member, a significant other, a crush, or anyone--just don't shut him or her out. Let that person in, underneath your umbrella. She can protect you from the rain that is life. If she can't protect you, at least she can be with you. That person is craving to be the one you turn to, they are simply itching to love you. So...just let them.

"Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you, because, one day, you might wake up from sleep and realize you lost the moon while counting the stars." 

Happy Friday.

:)